"I have decided to keep a full journal, in the hope that my life will perhaps seem more interesting when it is written down."
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30 March It's half past eight and I'm waiting for Red Dwarf series 6 on cable t.v. At the moment I'm on a bit of a down, I'm sitting in a room with two video players, a t.v. on mute, a stereo that's on but no music is playing, and a computer that's half as tall as I am and I'm depressed. To make it worse my nephew-in-law is downstairs being an annoying noisy little git and the girl next door is singing on her karaoke machine. I can hear her through the walls, she can't even sing. I know that's a cruel thing to say but I don't care anymore, my life is shit, I have everything I could ever need (gadgets and electronic stuff), but my life is still shit. I really hate this, I was happy yesterday but now it just feels so far away and insignificant, like I imagined all of it from what people told me about when they went. Oh, bloody hell, she's singing that crappy Kylie Minogue song "I should be so lucky" and she's doing it very badly. Red Dwarf is on now, I might be back later or I might just start playing Colony Wars or GTA to let off some aggression on the unsuspecting hoards of the Imperial Navy. I've never seen what was wrong with an Empire or Imperial rule, or communism for that matter. What the hell do americans have against communists anyway? Okay, so I'm not in the mood for games either, now what do I do? shall I talk to you all night or put up some new pages with absolutely no content in them whatsoever, or maybe change some of the old pages and put something into them. Nope, I'm going to go online for a short while so I can get the lyrics to this bloody song by Devin Townsend, it's supposed to be an extra track on a cd so it will probably be difficult to find, back in a while then. It's now five o'clock in the morning (last thing I wrote was about nine o'clock at night) and I've played Final Fantasy VII and watched a couple of videos. I'm not in as bad a mood now, I'm just not in a good mood either. I don't want to go to sleep now because quite frankly it's not worth it anymore and those damn birds outside would keep me awake, they get up far too early these days, usually before I go to sleep. I had a couple of ideas for the page but they were completely useless so for the moment you'll have to wait until I can remember what I actually wanted to put up. Hmmm, an idea... Damn, lost it... Here's a question for you, why is it that when I talk about destroying the entire human race and leaving the world for the animals people tend to look a bit indignant and annoyed? It's not like I'm showing any favouritism towards anyone so what do they care, I'd die as well as them... |
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Monday 29 March 1999 Okay, I've just wasted, no, wait, wasted is a bit strong, squandered is probably better... I've just squandered about forty pounds going to Chessingtons World of Adventures, that included admission, petrol money :( , buying a t-shirt, and food so it wasn't too bad. While I was there I damn well made sure I had fun and I've got a photo to prove it. I went on all those rides I was so cowardly about last year and to my surprise they were more funny than scary and I believe my first shout on their new ride, Samurai, was "YES!!!!!" (as in "Bloody hell this is an amazing ride!!!" type yes), followed closely by "Excellent", and "We've got to go on that thing again!" Samurai is one of those weird rides that throws you all over the place and the thing I loved about it was the way that "down" (as in the way your feet are pointing) changed in some very disconcerting ways and for a short, almost bizarrely funny moment, down was up and seemed to want to stay that way as long as possible and I was starting to worry about the restraint holding me in the chair. The only really scary thing about the ride for me was all those freaky statistics that were signposted around the area where you queue up "The maximum acceleration a human can withstand is plus or minus 9 g's, an astronaut experiences 3 g's, you will experience 4.5 g's" There were a few others but those were mainly ones like "20 metres off of the ground" and "31.5 miles per hour" type stuff so I didn't take too much notice of them. It was a good laugh. I also actually went on that Rameses Revenge one and about half way through it me and my friend Kevin just burst out laughing, hey, at least we were having fun. Okay I might write more when I can think properly. |
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Saturday
27 March Okay, I haven't said anything worthwhile recently so I'll go for it now. Last night I took a 2 hour ramble through the internet and to my sadness and annoyance I discovered quite a lot of internet diaries, most of them started near the same time as mine, that freaked me out a little but I'll still keep up my diary, something interesting might happen sometime and I'd like to be able to remember when it was. I also managed to find some sites to help learn some basic Japanese but I haven't had a chance to look through the stuff I downloaded yet, I found it last night at about 2 A.M. and I spent another 2 hours cleaning out the useless stuff I always end up downloading. After that it was almost 5 o'clock and I was tired and I should be going to a friends birthday tonight, I still have to get a card for her, and I didn't feel like waking up half an hour before it's supposed to start so I actually got some sleep. You might be able to tell that I'm still sleepy as I'm actually talking instead of just saying "Nothing much" or flobbing it off like that. My computer can actually display Japanese quite well now so you don't have to worry about me not trying to read this stuff, all I need now is a dictionary. ^_^ Got a weird reply from these people I sent an application form to on thursday, two
letters, one said they're considering me for the position and another offering me an
interview, wacko...the interview would be 13 April so I've got a couple of weeks to kill... Okay, so it's almost 12 o'clock, I've just come from a pub, and I'm not drunk. I don't really want a repeat of what happened last time, and anyway, I'd need plenty of red and white wine and Guinness. It wasn't too bad as parties in pubs go but no one was much interested in drinking so we all just ended up talking and I had a few girls moaning at me to go to Chessington's world of adventures on monday. I had a talk with Kerensa but that's not really any of your business so I don't know why I'm telling you. I'm also trying to get a Vanessa Mae poster from Clare. |
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26 March Not much happening, went to see Shakespeare in Love a couple of days ago...
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23 March
Now it's about 8:30 and I'm sitting here with a bag of Jelly Beans wondering what I should do next. |
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21 March Still bored. I mainly did this to see if it would be worthwhile having a javascript mainpage. If you think it looks good then please tell me...you sould find my email on the real main page, please don't use the guestbook. I'm about to start reading "Lord of the Rings" that's how bored I am. Another sleepless night, might as well see the changes to the "Valley of Angels" You too, Peter. Sorry I haven't had much to say recently... Oh, and I've decided to play with <!-- --> to hide stuff, otherwise I'd be wasting space. Just out of curiosity, how do you view this stuff anyway, as far as I know the line formatting would be Amiga-style and so to Notepad all this stuff would look like it's all on one line. If you want I can tell you the way I used to sort it out with Notepad, or are you alright? |
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20 March To sum up how bad I think today is going to go I haven't had any sleep yet so that if need be I'll be able to get to sleep without trouble later. That was written at sometime around 6 AM this morning and I've had about an hour of not-quite sleep since then. You know when someone wakes you up and you're not even conscious but somehow you manage to answer their questions and get rid of them, after they've nicked your money, and then you fall asleep again and about an hour later you wake up and think to yourself "Was that a dream or what?!" And then you check your wallet and you know it wasn't a dream because there was a 2 pound coin in there last time you checked (they aren't stupid enough to nick the �20 note because they know I'd hang them for it). Well, it was a bit like that without someone waking me up. It's about 11:30 now and there is absolutely nothing to do whatsoever, believe me, I've checked. Do you think I'd be sitting here writing to myself if I had something better to do? The house is empty because my mum went to visit my brother who has an evil toddler and a little baby called Megan (who was a premature baby and is destined for a life full of hospitalisations as far as I know, was something to do with heart trouble...), all my friends are either at work or at university trying to avoid work, I'm not even going to think about watching CableTV (does the phrase "a hundred channels and there's nothing on" ring any bells), I have a book I could read but I can't concentrate enough for it, I could watch a video but I've already watched them all to the point of wanting to kill myself if I see them again, I could listen to music but I don't have any of the music that I actually want to listen to, I also have a headache. Surely I should be having a party of something? Destroying the house or neighbourhood? The best idea I've come up with so far today is a nice long soak in the bath and I've already done that. F**k, stuff this for a game of soldiers, I'm going to watch "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey" simply because by the time it's finished I might have some mail to read. Damn video trailers, I understand them putting the things on rental videos but what is the point of it on videos you buy from the shop? Right, I'll see you in about an hour and a half then. Okay so it's half past six in the evening, what do I care, I'm bored. Click here to see what abject boredom can do to a perfectly sane mind. Note: You need one of the JavaScript capable browsers, currently supported by the page are AWeb 3+ for Amiga computers, MS IE4+ and Netscape 3+. |
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19 March Got a new picture for the front page. Don't you just love it? |
17 March
Okay, I've finally found a place to put the card, which as far as I know is a picture by an artist called David Penfound and it is named "Spirit of the Eternal Waters." It is a lovely picture, maybe I'll find a copy of it for you to look at later. |
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15 March Apparently I was almost arrested for Drunk and Disorderly last friday (12th March).....I can't really remember, I was too drunk. |
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14 March I think it is now officially true, John the weirdo manic depressive is coming home again after a long period in limbo. I still hate to feel this way, but this time it is different, this time it's more like how it was meant to be - a strange cross between melancholia and the deepest love you've ever known I'll be back in a moment, I've got a headache and I want something to drink. Damn, I'm resorting to comfort eating again. Someone has nicked the bottle of Limeade that was in the fridge so I'm drinking milk at the moment, my what an interesting life I lead... Some people say it's not good to feel like this, that it's bad for your health. I don't care what they think, all I know is that this feeling is the closest to her I'll ever be, the closest to home I'll ever be. I've missed feeling like this because all at once I'm happy and sad and all these other things I can't describe except to say that it one of the strangest and loveliest things I know of. |
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13 March You Don't Want To Know. |
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11th March Wasted about �50 yesterday on a couple of videos, a CD, a few cards - for Mothers day, a friends birthday and one that I thought would look nice on my wall - and a couple of things for my mum. The videos were "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey" (because of the end tune and it was only �5), and the other video was "Forbidden City Cop" which was recently released as part of the Hong Kong Blockbusters series of films, it certainly is a bizarre film and if you like to see a kung-fu master being beaten by a guy with a stout stick (reminds me of Robert Rankin...) and some brains then you should really watch this film. Hmmmmmm...8th March...Okay, since then I've applied for a job in a bureau de change, it doesn't pay as well as it would if I'd have tried to join the police but Taz seemed very much against the police so that didn't leave me much choice. |
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8th March 1999 Thought about changing all the gif pictures on my pages to png format just to save a bit of space and annoy people with *really* old browsers. Thought about using the "LOWSRC" tag in the <img... declaration but I've no real idea which browsers support it apart from nutscrape. Anyway. Can't be bothered, it's not worth it. Watching "Street Fighter II: The animated movie." I really am bored. |
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Christina Georgina Rossetti. 1830-1894 Song WHEN I am dead, my dearest, Sing no sad songs for me; Plant thou no roses at my head, Nor shady cypress tree: Be the green grass above me With showers and dewdrops wet; And if thou wilt, remember, And if thou wilt, forget. I shall not see the shadows, I shall not feel the rain; I shall not hear the nightingale Sing on, as if in pain; And dreaming through the twilight That doth not rise nor set, Haply I may remember, And haply may forget. |
7th March 1999 I can feel it again. I hate it, I hate this feeling, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I know I'm an emotional retard, leave me alone. ^_^ I'll be back in a few minutes, when I can think clearly A Life Less Ordinary..... anyone know if that's a worthwhile film? Time to watch a James Bond film, Never Say Never Again, it can't be worse than Goldeneye or Tomorrow Never Dies can it? The game of Goldeneye isn't too bad if you've got a few other friends who don't mind dying too much. I'm hungry, someone get me some food. |
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6th March 1999 Was in the pub with a friend last night, next time I'm making sure there is at least one other person who knows how to have fun.It was completely boring, one pint of Guiness was all I had to drink and all he drank was coke because he was driving... Next time I'm not going unless there's at least 3 other people, and two of them are female (I tend to be more at ease with women around) Staring at this monitor is beginning to make me tired. I'm daydreaming too much again, it gets worse when I go out. probably more later |
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5th March 1999 Managed to sleep for almost 17 hours today, so I'm not quite as happy as I should be. I have generally been a lot happier since I left university, but now I think all the "happy, happy, joy, joy" feelings are beginning to die down and leave me back where I started. None of my old friends ever phone and so I've resorted to checking my email every couple of hours in the hope that someone, anyone, will email me and give me something else to think about. I'm beginning to hate sleep now because I know I'm going to dream and it's not that I don't like dreaming, it's just that throughout the dream I always know that soon I'll wake up and have to deal with the world in general. At the moment it's just like everything I actually need in life is there for me and the one thing I want more than anything else is just so far out of my reach and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Maybe I should just buy a one way plane ticket to somewhere and start my life again, maybe it'd be for the best. But for now I'm stuck here, no-one to talk to but myself. Still, we can't complain can we? |
4th March 1999:8:20am: I've been awake since 5:30am because I'm having trouble sleeping.I keep having these weird dreams, last night was Army Training Camp, I'll leave out a full description of what the dream was about because I know you don't care, all you need to know is that I couldn't get back to sleep. Oh, bloody hell, it's childrens t.v. time which means crappy american childrens programme. Todays bucket of sheep gonads is "Polkaroo" or something like that, it's another one of those Barney the Purple Dinosaur alike things and it fair makes me stomach churn. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! The rhyming horror of it all! I think I'll throw up if I see it again, it's worse than the Tellytubbies! What I want to know is what this stuff is supposed to teach children, the only thing I can think of is showing kids just how stupid adults can be. If you've seen the Bottom Live shows (it would be the first or second one) then you'll remember how they reacted to "Richard and Judie." This thing is just like that, it's gut wrenching! Bloody Americans, shoot the lot of them. |
